During my transition, I have lived as both completely out and (as much as possible) completely stealth. Right now, I’m somewhere in-between. Each of these periods have had their benefits and disadvantages, and I know I’m privileged to be able to make this choice about how I want to live my life. It’s been interesting, and I’m still deciding how I want to approach things as I move for a new job and therefore once again have a new start. Here’s a bit of an overview of where I’ve been on the out-stealth spectrum.
Out
I went to a small college in my small hometown, so there was no way to keep my transition a secret. Before coming out as trans, I had come out as a lesbian and was very active in the queer community- I started a gay-straight alliance at my high school and was president of the GSA at my college. I was one of the only out trans people at my college (though Adrian in many ways paved the way for me by coming out first!) and I spent a lot of my time educating people and explaining my transition. Being trans was both a huge part of my life and a huge part of my identity. It was also something I was more or less known for- my wife knew I was trans before we were formally introduced and before she really knew anything else about me. I felt like I really did a lot of good educating people and being an example of an out trans person on campus, but it was also pretty exhausting.
Stealth
After college, I moved to another state for graduate school and I had the opportunity to decide whether or not I wanted to be out. At this point, I had been on testosterone for about a year and a half or so and I was more or less ‘passing’ most of the time. This was the first time since I was 14 that I wasn’t presenting or read as gender non-conforming, and I was curious what it would be like to have people to get to know me as me first before only knowing me as ‘that trans person.’ I was also nervous about safety, acceptance, and the potential impact on my future career. So, I deleted my old Facebook and spent the two years of my masters not discussing my past. I spent the vast majority of my time interacting with people who didn’t know I was trans and kept it like a secret. It was refreshing to not have to educate people or explain myself, to not worry that people were talking behind my back, judging me, or that they didn’t consider me a ‘real man.’ But it was also exhausting in its own way, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I didn’t make any close friends during that time.
In Limbo
After my masters, I moved once again for my PhD. This time, I decided to generally be stealth, but to come out to my friends and find spaces where I could safely be out. I attended a trans support group for a few years and again became a little more involved in the queer community. I made a group of close friends who I came out to, though I still felt there were colleagues and professors who I felt I couldn’t tell- which meant I remained stealth on Facebook. This put me a bit in limbo. There are people who know who I interact with on a day-to-day basis and people who don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m keeping a secret because I tell anyone who I get close to, although lately this has become complicated as I’ve made new friends and struggled to come out.
Coming out is difficult. I’d rather people just know and for everyone to be as blasé about it as I am. I’m not interested in telling my story or engaging in trans 101 with every new friend- least of all because my coming out story is not particularly interesting! Every time I come out, I’m anxious about rejection or people seeing me differently. I get that these are small problems compared to those faced by other trans people. I generally don’t worry about my safety anymore. I have a good job where it would be unlikely that I’d be fired for being trans (though maybe I should be more worried about that). My family have all come around to me being trans, except for a few people who I no longer speak to. So, the anxiety I have about coming out is not a huge deal.
Lately, I’ve been wondering if my comfort comes at the expense of making a difference in the world. Even though it isn’t my job per se to educate people about trans issues just because I’m trans, I’m in a position where I could do so. Young trans students might feel better knowing that they have a trans professor, my colleagues might learn something. However, I find myself clam up because of my anxiety.
There’s another layer to all of this now that I have a child. On one hand, I worry about how others will treat him if it is public that he has a trans parent. Me coming out as trans also ‘outs’ him as donor conceived, and deep down I worry that others will also see me as less of his father. That, however, is likely a reflection of my own anxieties and something I need to work through more than a serious concern. On the other hand, I think it is important to demonstrate to my son that being trans is something to be proud of. I’m afraid that me not being open about being trans (and, especially, him being donor conceived) sends a message that those things are shameful. I also don’t want to pass on secrets. An important component to all of this is that we are moving to a conservative area in the South, and perhaps I am naive when I dismiss issues of safety.
This has been a bit rambling, but the point I want to make is that being out or stealth is a spectrum, and that even at this point in my transition I still make decisions about how open to be. These decisions are tough. I haven’t found a casual or easy way to come out to people once I’ve already gotten to know them, and it isn’t exactly something you can take back once it’s out of the bag. This is something I grapple with every time I move or make new friends, and I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
Trans at 30 